![]() People who consistently fail to apologize may lack empathy or have low self-esteem or a personality disorder. They may feel shame about their actions but feel unable or unwilling to confront their shame. They may feel embarrassed and want to avoid the feelings. They may not believe they did anything wrong or just want to keep the peace. People issue faux apologies for several reasons. More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really get it, that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that their feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain weve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure theres no repeat performance. If you seek to apologize, you first need to hear what happened from the other person’s point of view and how it affected them.Īs therapist and author Harriet Lernerwrote in the Psychotherapy Networker, No apology will have meaning if we havent listened carefully to the hurt partys anger and pain. Offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriateĪn authentic apology starts with listening.Offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior. ![]() Conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt persons experience and feelings.Is freely offered without conditions or minimizing what was done.It may even feel like a threat.Įxamples: Okay, enough already, I am sorry for chrissakes Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?įaux apologies such as these 12 seek to avoid responsibility, make excuses, shift blame, downplay what was done, invalidate or confuse the hurt or offended person, or move on prematurely.Ī true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics: Either in words or tone you are given a grudging Im sorry but it doesnt feel like an apology. The implication is that it would have never happened otherwise.Įxamples: Your mother told me to come apologize to you My friend said I should tell you I was sorry The person is saying he or she is apologizing only because someone else suggested it. It hints at the need for an apology, but never gives one.Įxamples: I guess I owe you an apology I guess I should say I am sorry Rather, you have to pay to get it.Įxamples: I will only apologize if you apologize I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again I will say I am sorry if you will just stop talking about it This pay-to-play apologyis not a clean, freely offered apology. This nothing-to-apologize-for apology tries to talk you out of your feelings or imply that you shouldnt be upset.Įxamples: You know I am sorry You know I didnt mean that You know I would never hurt you The whitewash may seem self-effacing but on its own it contains no apology.Įxamples: I know I shouldnt have done that I know I probably should have asked you first I know I can sometimes be a bull in a china shop This whitewashing apology is an effort to minimize what happened without owning any hurtful effects on you or others. There is no ownership.Įxamples: I regret you felt upset I regret that mistakes were made This sidestepping apology equates regret with apologizing. This deja-vu apology cheapens whatever is said by implying that there is nothing left to apologize for.Įxamples: I already said I was sorry I have apologized for that a million times
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